Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
