She's JV to your varsity
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
