Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
