cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
