my phone needs a breathalizer
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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