You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
