The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
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