I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
