The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
