My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
