my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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