My room smells like vodka and shame
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
