everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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