I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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