I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
