if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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