i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
