Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dicks are not precious.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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