Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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