Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
is wine microwaveable?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
