I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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