I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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