I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
