My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
