I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
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When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize