Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
