I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize