ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
