I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Randomize
