I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Barsexuality is the new black.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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