I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
