My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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