she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
