I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize