I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
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you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
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It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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