I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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