I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
