jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
