Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
