YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
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Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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