Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up under a house in Key West
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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