Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
