If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
