If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
