He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
