you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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