would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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