all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
