I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
