I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
