break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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