Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
