I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
