I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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