I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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