I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
