I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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