We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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