I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
