I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
